Abba, Can You Hear Me?

Abba*, Can You Hear Me?

Lord,

Am I truly so difficult to love?
Why does this world look at me
as though the sight of my emotions
filled it with fear?

Abba,
am I so difficult to endure
that sometimes I am treated
as though I had never
been given a heart?

Lord,

I seek your presence,
yet I confess that the world’s embraces
and its tender declarations
still draw my heart.

I seek your love,
yet I find myself giving everything to others,
without measure, without restraint.

Every fragment of my soul,
every piece of my being,
only to understand, in the end:

“You are not that important to me. Stop.”

Lord,
will you hold it against me
if I harden my heart?

If I cannot find the balance
between harshness and tenderness,

or perhaps…
between too much tenderness
and too much pain.

Lord,
will you hold it against me if I sin
by speaking ill of humankind,

of those who seem to possess
that strange ability
to break me
again
and again,
without end?

Abba,
can you hear me
every time I weep,
every time I cry your name,
every time I beg for your arms?

Abba,
can you see me
every time I collapse
beneath the weight of loneliness,
of being misunderstood,
and of life’s troubles?

You gave me the grace to love,
yet sometimes I feel
I have inherited the burden of being forgotten.

On some days,
your presence is strong
and warms my entire being.

On other days,
it feels like a mirage
my hands can never grasp.

To you,
my sorrows are merely a passage,
a season of clouds
that will always fade away.

To me,
they are deep wounds
embedded in the flesh of time,
enduring through the ages.

Abba,
will you finally cover me
with your wings,
your light,
and your gentle fragrance?

Why is darkness
the only thing that inspires me?

Why are my words born
more easily in the night
than in peace?

Though I could write
for the simple joy of it,
I often write only to survive.

And yet…

if my tears become verses,
if my wounds become prayers,
perhaps, in the midst of darkness,
it is still you I am seeking.

So, Abba…
will you finally answer me?

 

*Abba means “Papa” or “Father.”

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Verses of encouragement, if these words touch you

Psalm 56:8

“You count the steps of my wandering life;
gather my tears into your wineskin.
Are they not written in your book?”

Psalm 116:1–2

“I love the Lord, for he hears my voice,
my cries for mercy; for he has inclined his ear toward me.”